Sauron funeral parties “tasteless”

Friends, relatives and former servants of the Dark Lord Sauron today blasted organisers of a string of parties planned to coincide with the former statesman’s funeral. Social networks have been abuzz with men, elves, dwarves and hobbits planning impromptu celebrations, with many planned to coincide with Sauron’s official funeral, held today in Barad-Dur.

David Edwards, speaking yesterday.

David Edwards, speaking yesterday.

“Today is not a day to revel in the death of another being”, sighed David Edwards, former Communications Director under Sauron’s leadership, “Whatever your political views, we can all agree that we should set our differences aside and think of the family that have lost a relative”.

However, party-goers across Middle Earth were less sympathetic to the memory of the former leader.

“I’ll never forget what he did to my family”, said Gloin son of Groin, a dwarf from the once-booming mining town in Moria, “We used to mine mithril for several kingdoms, until Sauron decided to close us down. We were unionised, we thought we were strong, but what can you do when a Balrog says he’s closing you down?”

Aragorn son of Arathorn was equally scathing in his criticism of the deceased leader. “Sauron will always be remembered for the events in the war for Osgiliath. Gondor’s soldiers were riding back to Minas Tirith, heading away from the battle, but the Nazgul attacked them anyway, completely without mercy. What made it even worse was the Mordor Sun’s headline the next day – GOTCHA!”.

Peregrin Took, a hobbit of the Shire, was equally unrepentant about his night spent drinking ale in the Green Dragon. “People keep saying it’s a private time, it’s a time for his family. Bollocks! He wreaked absolute havoc on this country, he had a massively destructive effect on the lives of millions of people. He was, and remains, very much a public figure. The press can run their sycophantic drivel all they want, but the people of Middle Earth won’t forget what he did to us all”.

“Sauron may be dead”, he continued, “but Sauronism is still alive and well”.


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