Category Archives: Sarcasm

Scottish FA confirm World Cup boycott will continue

The Scottish Football Association have confirmed that the national team’s boycott of FIFA’s World Cup tournaments will remain in place for the foreseeable future. Scotland have declined to attend any international tournaments since 1998 due to a series of concerns about each host nation.

“Well, it all started in 2002 when Barry Ferguson insisted we take a stand against Japan’s horrendous whaling fleets“, explained an SFA spokesperson. “After that, we decided that taking a moral stand was far more rewarding than sporting glory.”

“In 2006, Gary Caldwell felt very strongly about the EU’s continued trade in torture tools. He also wasn’t happy about Germany’s complicity in US rendition flights and ejection of Syrian asylum seekers.”

“In both 2010 and 2014, Kenny Miller had some serious concerns about human rights abuses in South Africa and Brazil, so we decided to give them a miss too.”

The SFA spokesperson went on to express sympathy with those who protested against Friday’s friendly match with Qatar.

“We’re glad that people are now concerned with the Qatari regime’s awful human rights record, and we’re sure the Sepp Blatter and FIFA stories all over the news weren’t the only reason anyone cared. It was, however, disappointing to note that nobody gave a shit the following night when Barcelona lifted the Champions League trophy whilst sponsored by Qatar Airways.”

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Man blinded by hatred after looking directly at The Sun

A 24-year-old man has been damaged for life after ignoring countless warnings and looking directly at a copy of today’s Sun newspaper.

“Of course I’d seen the warnings about what direct exposure to the eyes would do, but I didn’t think it would be that bad”, explained David Williams, who until the incident worked with an asylum seekers charity.

Continue reading at the North British Post…

Jack Straw: “My only regret is my pricing structure”

Former Home Secretary Jack Straw has expressed deep regret in an exclusive interview with the North British Post.

“Of course I could have handled myself better, I’ve really let myself and my family down”, explained the disgraced MP for Blackburn, referring to his recent cash-for-access scandal and suspension from the Labour party.

“I keep going over and over it in my head, wondering how I could have been so stupid. I thought that £5,000 for a day’s lobbying was a good, competitive price, so I was sick to my stomach when I saw that Malcolm Rifkind was charging £8,000 for just a morning.”

Continue reading at the North British Post…