Darth Vader, the Galactic Empire’s Defence Minister, today warned Ewoks that removing the controversial Death Star from their homeworld of Endor would result in the loss of thousands of jobs.
“The Rebel threat has not gone away”, warned Lord Vader in his regular Daily Mail column, “In terms of uncertainty and potential risk it has, if anything, increased. What’s more, moving the Death Star to another location would come at the cost of thousands of jobs, which would be devastating to the local economy”.
However, not everyone agrees with Vader’s doom-laden warnings.
“We actually managed to obtain a Freedom of Information request from the Ministry of Defence”, advised Wicket Wystri Warrick, head of Endor’s CND (Campaign for No Death Stars), “I was surprised to learn that the MoD openly admit that only 520 jobs are actually directly reliant upon the Death Star“
“Here on Endor we don’t feel valued and reassured because the Empire have decided to park their weapon of mass destruction here. We’re always told it’s perfectly safe – well if it’s so safe why isn’t it orbiting Coruscant?”
“If anything, having the Death Star here just makes us a target for the Empire’s enemies. If Endor was an independent planet without a bloody great laser of death and destruction parked on our doorstep, why would any band of rebels even care about us?”
An Imperial spokesman rubbished the Ewok claims as “separatist nonsense”.