Oil companies warn that Darling is a depleting resource

In a dramatic intervention, several leading North Sea oil and gas companies issued a statement earlier today warning that Alistair Darling is in danger of running dry by 2014.
The news comes as a particular shock to Mr Darling’s colleagues in the Better Together campaign, who until now have based much of their economic argument on projected supplies of his dire warnings.

“We’ve been worried about the long-term sustainability of Darling’s moaning for some time now”, explained an Oil and Gas UK spokesperson, “especially since production was ramped up significantly in 2012.”

“The only certainty about Darling’s negativity is that its value is extremely volatile. Whilst there may be great demand just now for a daily dose of fear and pessimism, there’s no guarantee that this demand will continue much beyond the end of this summer.”

“It’s especially worrying that Better Together’s economic credibility is so dependent on windfalls from Darling’s outbursts. No economic model should be so reliant upon one resource.”

However, the oil industry’s claims were rebutted by Westminster officials.

“We are confident that Mr Darling’s pronouncements will continue to play a key part in our economic discussions well into 2014”, said a press release.

“In fact, the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) have commissioned a report that states that, despite what everybody thinks in the oil industry, Mr Darling still has several million column inches of scaremongering waiting to be extracted.

“Darling’s expenses are proof positive that his resources are accreting, not depleting. His personal economic model isn’t reliant on a single resource, but flips revenue sources around as greed demands.”

The press release went on to cite The Scotsman newspaper as being particularly skilled in extracting Mr Darling’s bile from increasingly implausible sources.

An unimportant separatist soap-dodger from the Scottish Green Party also issued a press release scrawled in henna on a tattered piece of hemp.

“For years we have warned of the danger of allowing Darling to dominate our economic debate. We need to waken up and provide real diversity, such as harnessing Scotland’s abundant potential for wind power. Alex Salmond alone is a reliable enough source of hot air to meet our energy needs for years to come.”

“Anyway, if we get independence we can easily meet our renewables targets by harnessing the power of Donald Dewar spinning in his grave.”


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